www.sandraevertson.com
10 years ago
Posted by
Victoria
comments (0)
Sometimes the strangest things get me thinking and analyzing my life. This week all it took was a simple statement by my youngest daughter " I am glad that you and Daddy never fight." My first thought was Yes, we do! but after I thought for a minute, I realized that while we do disagree and we have days where we are grumpy with each other, she is right, she probably hasn't ever seen us "fight" ( and by fight I mean argue, not physically fight!), and that made me unhappy. I know it sounds crazy, but I have really thought about that a lot this week. Why? Because I don't want my children to live in the fantasy that every marriage is perfect and that we always get along. How will they know how to deal with conflict and how will they know that things can and do get worked out? The world we live in teaches that if you're unhappy or you can't agree just split up and move on. Our world teaches that love is a feeling and that it should come easy and you shouldn't have to work to maintain it. Divorce is a 50/50 thing. The world teaches that it is easier to cut your losses and move on than it is to work for it, fight for it, change. I truly believe that sometimes divorce is the only option, and that it is the only answer in some cases. I want my girls to know that they should not tolerate abuse. EVER! Either physical, mental or verbal. I want them to know that in some cases there is no other answer but to part ways, but for the day to day stuff, the I don't think I like you right now stuff, I want my girls to know that it can be done. That just because you disagree or just because you raise your voice doesn't mean that it is over. This is what bothered me about her statement, I need them to know that life is not all roses and sweetness, and that there will be arguments, there will be disagreements, there will be days when love requires work and solutions mean compromise. I want them to know that just because you don't like someone right this minute doesn't mean that you don't love them. forever.
Jason and I have been together for a long time. In a sense, we have grown up together, and it has not always been easy. We dated five years before we got married. I came from a family that worked things out, my parents have always been married. I saw them fight occasionally. I saw them yell and fuss. I remember my Mom telling me that it was healthy to "clear the air" once in a while and that it was good to "let things out". I also remember them always working it out, not always easy, not always the way each of them would like, but always together. Jason, not quite the same upbringing. He saw lots of things too, but not always good things. His household was the complete opposite of mine. When we were dating, he had a quick temper, and I had a quick mouth. I knew he had a hard time controlling his temper, and yet I would push him right to the limit. I was hard headed and stubborn and rarely said I was sorry. He would throw things and punch things, but thank God he was always able to know when to leave, walk away and cool down, most of the time no thanks to me. I would get pulled into his temper and that made for some crazy moments that aren't worth sharing. We struggled through a lot of issues that he was dealing with and a lot of mess we brought on ourselves, but we made it and I decided that I would make changes before we got married, and we did... kind of.
When we got married, neither of us had ever lived out on our own. We had never had to manage finances or run a home. I came from a fairly strict household, with rules and curfews and expectations. He came from a household where he had done exactly what he wanted for a long time, no rules, no curfews, no expectations. It took a while for us to figure out a balance in those two things, and while we didn't argue near as much after we were married, we still had lots of things to work out. Our fights took on a different tone. I discovered that even when we don't choose to blame our upbringing for our weaknesses and even if we strive to rise above family issues, the reality is our upbringing shapes who we are, and with that can come a lot of things that shape our thoughts and our ideas. Our experiences and our parent's examples are ingrained in us and become a part of us, both the good and the bad. I really think that Jason believed every time we disagreed that I was leaving. He would act surprised to come home and still find a household and a wife there. I think he had low expectations for a lasting marriage. I think I believed that I was always right and that I was going to make him see things my way at any cost, and that he had seen what not to do, so he should just know what he should do. I think I had too many expectations for a lasting marriage. I needed to remember what I had been taught and how my parents worked out their problems. I needed to remember how they "cleared the air", how they prayed, how they chose to love, even when it was hard.
Life really changed for me when someone gave me the book The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie O'Martian. I read that book reluctantly, but it completely changed the way I thought. The book teaches you how to pray for your husband, not just a passing prayer, but how to pray over every part of him, from the little mundane things to the deep inner parts. I began to practice the lessons in that book. I prayed for him like never before. I realized through that process that I am only responsible to change me. I can pray for him, but I can only change me. I began to pray that God would open my eyes to what I needed to change about myself. I learned that love is not just a feeling, love is a choice, love is work! Hard work sometimes, but with the work and through the choice comes the feeling. The feeling of love is the product of all the work. JOY- Jesus first, Others second, Yourself last. I needed to put God at the beginning, Jason next and myself last. I needed to practice in my heart what I knew in my head.
Now here we are, and according to Lydia's statement, we have come a long way. Jason and I know each other, inside and out. We know how each other works, we know what our strengths are and what are weaknesses are. She is right, we hardly ever really argue. He still has things that he struggles with and I still have things I struggle with. We still have things that we disagree about and little things that annoy us about each other at times, but we are older and wiser... and tired. We have learned to put God first and each other second. We have learned to pray through our troubles. I have learned that it is o.k. to be humble, say I am sorry, close my mouth. Jason has learned that it is possible to simply clear the air, let it out and move on. Love doesn't have to mean war. Marriage can be fun and happy, and yes, you can "feel" love, everyday and forever. I want my girls to see that lesson as well. I want them to see us disagree, raise our voices, and show weakness. They need to see their Mommy cry ( every now and then) so that they know it will be o.k., it isn't the end. They need to see us pray and say I am Sorry and ask forgiveness and compromise. They need to see that there are healthy ways to disagree, that everyone has bad days and everyone gets angry sometimes, but it is about talking, working it out, and moving on. They need to see what real love looks like, both the good and the bad. Every problem does not have to lead to divorce, sometimes you just have to clear the air to find fresh love!
Jason and I have been together for a long time. In a sense, we have grown up together, and it has not always been easy. We dated five years before we got married. I came from a family that worked things out, my parents have always been married. I saw them fight occasionally. I saw them yell and fuss. I remember my Mom telling me that it was healthy to "clear the air" once in a while and that it was good to "let things out". I also remember them always working it out, not always easy, not always the way each of them would like, but always together. Jason, not quite the same upbringing. He saw lots of things too, but not always good things. His household was the complete opposite of mine. When we were dating, he had a quick temper, and I had a quick mouth. I knew he had a hard time controlling his temper, and yet I would push him right to the limit. I was hard headed and stubborn and rarely said I was sorry. He would throw things and punch things, but thank God he was always able to know when to leave, walk away and cool down, most of the time no thanks to me. I would get pulled into his temper and that made for some crazy moments that aren't worth sharing. We struggled through a lot of issues that he was dealing with and a lot of mess we brought on ourselves, but we made it and I decided that I would make changes before we got married, and we did... kind of.
When we got married, neither of us had ever lived out on our own. We had never had to manage finances or run a home. I came from a fairly strict household, with rules and curfews and expectations. He came from a household where he had done exactly what he wanted for a long time, no rules, no curfews, no expectations. It took a while for us to figure out a balance in those two things, and while we didn't argue near as much after we were married, we still had lots of things to work out. Our fights took on a different tone. I discovered that even when we don't choose to blame our upbringing for our weaknesses and even if we strive to rise above family issues, the reality is our upbringing shapes who we are, and with that can come a lot of things that shape our thoughts and our ideas. Our experiences and our parent's examples are ingrained in us and become a part of us, both the good and the bad. I really think that Jason believed every time we disagreed that I was leaving. He would act surprised to come home and still find a household and a wife there. I think he had low expectations for a lasting marriage. I think I believed that I was always right and that I was going to make him see things my way at any cost, and that he had seen what not to do, so he should just know what he should do. I think I had too many expectations for a lasting marriage. I needed to remember what I had been taught and how my parents worked out their problems. I needed to remember how they "cleared the air", how they prayed, how they chose to love, even when it was hard.
Life really changed for me when someone gave me the book The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie O'Martian. I read that book reluctantly, but it completely changed the way I thought. The book teaches you how to pray for your husband, not just a passing prayer, but how to pray over every part of him, from the little mundane things to the deep inner parts. I began to practice the lessons in that book. I prayed for him like never before. I realized through that process that I am only responsible to change me. I can pray for him, but I can only change me. I began to pray that God would open my eyes to what I needed to change about myself. I learned that love is not just a feeling, love is a choice, love is work! Hard work sometimes, but with the work and through the choice comes the feeling. The feeling of love is the product of all the work. JOY- Jesus first, Others second, Yourself last. I needed to put God at the beginning, Jason next and myself last. I needed to practice in my heart what I knew in my head.
Now here we are, and according to Lydia's statement, we have come a long way. Jason and I know each other, inside and out. We know how each other works, we know what our strengths are and what are weaknesses are. She is right, we hardly ever really argue. He still has things that he struggles with and I still have things I struggle with. We still have things that we disagree about and little things that annoy us about each other at times, but we are older and wiser... and tired. We have learned to put God first and each other second. We have learned to pray through our troubles. I have learned that it is o.k. to be humble, say I am sorry, close my mouth. Jason has learned that it is possible to simply clear the air, let it out and move on. Love doesn't have to mean war. Marriage can be fun and happy, and yes, you can "feel" love, everyday and forever. I want my girls to see that lesson as well. I want them to see us disagree, raise our voices, and show weakness. They need to see their Mommy cry ( every now and then) so that they know it will be o.k., it isn't the end. They need to see us pray and say I am Sorry and ask forgiveness and compromise. They need to see that there are healthy ways to disagree, that everyone has bad days and everyone gets angry sometimes, but it is about talking, working it out, and moving on. They need to see what real love looks like, both the good and the bad. Every problem does not have to lead to divorce, sometimes you just have to clear the air to find fresh love!
Posted by
Victoria
comments (0)
I always intended to have children while I was young. My Mom had me when she was 30 after years of trying and for the early 70's that was considered old for having a baby. All of her friends had teenagers when I was still in elementary school. There were very few children among my parent's circle of friends that were even close to my age. My cousins were so much older than me I called them uncle. I always said I wanted to be a young Mom. When Jason and I got married, I had just turned 23 and he was only a couple of months into being 20 so it appeared my plan for being a young Mom was right on track. We waited for a few months and then I decided to go off of birth control and what would be, would be. I never dreamed that what would be would take 8 more years, but God's plan is sometimes not our plan. As the years went by I watched my friends having babies, I watched my clients having babies, I watched children I babysat having babies. I got tired of people asking when we were going to have one of our own. The doctors didn't know why I wasn't pregnant, they had theories, but they had no evidence to back them up. Everything tested fine, everything appeared fine. Just nothing. I was offered fertility options, but was nervous of the side effects, unsure if they were safe, afraid of outcomes like I saw on TV. I did not want to be pregnant with multiples. I prayed about it and we decided that if God saw fit to bless us then great, but if not, then that was His plan. We looked into adoption, we looked into Foster care, we began to save money for overseas adoption. The years continued to tick by....
God's ways are not our ways and His plans are not our plans. 8 years later and the unexpected happened, I became pregnant. I was so shocked that when the Doctor told me it was true I still didn't believe him. I thought it was a mistake. I took the whole box of pregnancy tests- all three of them and still didn't believe it. "Miracles do happen", those were the words of my Doctor, who called it a fluke, after I miscarried the first pregnancy at 14 weeks and became pregnant again just three and a half months later. They had no explanation, they didn't even have a theory for that one. Now here we are 8 years and two beautiful healthy daughters later, and I am still amazed by the timing of God. I am my Mother's daughter, I followed in her footsteps in so many ways including having my children in my 30's. I never would have imagined it, I never would have planned it, but it has become the biggest blessing that God has given me. Thanks to those 8 years without children, Jason and I were able to grow up together, without the stress of raising children. We traveled, we furnished our home, we bought a house. Jason had moved up in his company to the point that he could support us without my income. We had 8 years to bond and live and grow closer and closer to each other, and I would not trade that time for anything. Yes, I am more tired than my friend's who have endless amounts of energy for their little ones. I sometimes think I am not as laid back because of my age. I have gray streaks instead of fun blue and pink streaks, and I am not current on pop culture. I don't text or have an Iphone. I sometimes feel old when I see friend I grew up with children heading out to college and driving and graduating high school while I am buying a little mini cap and gown to watch mine graduate Kindergarten. All those things my Mom struggled through as a Mom are now my struggles as well, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I think there are advantages to being an older Mom. I think about the views I had and the life I lived when I was in my 20's and I know that I would not have the children I have today if I would have raised them then. I am closer to God now than ever before and I understand what values and morals I want to instill in them. Jason and I have changed so much in the last decade, we understand each other, our love is so much deeper. We are more mellow, we are faster to love and slower to fight. We have worked out our differences and we are more one now than ever before which helps us be better parents. I appreciate the little moments more as an older Mom. I had to be patient and go through a lot to have them and I don't want to take a single moment for granted. God's timing is perfect and He knew when we would should be parents even before we did and I am thankful for His Grace and His mercy and His perfect planning. Mother's Day was a wonderful reminder of just how far He has brought us and how much He has blessed us and I wouldn't trade a single minute of it, even if I am one of the oldest Moms in the kindergarten PTO.
God's ways are not our ways and His plans are not our plans. 8 years later and the unexpected happened, I became pregnant. I was so shocked that when the Doctor told me it was true I still didn't believe him. I thought it was a mistake. I took the whole box of pregnancy tests- all three of them and still didn't believe it. "Miracles do happen", those were the words of my Doctor, who called it a fluke, after I miscarried the first pregnancy at 14 weeks and became pregnant again just three and a half months later. They had no explanation, they didn't even have a theory for that one. Now here we are 8 years and two beautiful healthy daughters later, and I am still amazed by the timing of God. I am my Mother's daughter, I followed in her footsteps in so many ways including having my children in my 30's. I never would have imagined it, I never would have planned it, but it has become the biggest blessing that God has given me. Thanks to those 8 years without children, Jason and I were able to grow up together, without the stress of raising children. We traveled, we furnished our home, we bought a house. Jason had moved up in his company to the point that he could support us without my income. We had 8 years to bond and live and grow closer and closer to each other, and I would not trade that time for anything. Yes, I am more tired than my friend's who have endless amounts of energy for their little ones. I sometimes think I am not as laid back because of my age. I have gray streaks instead of fun blue and pink streaks, and I am not current on pop culture. I don't text or have an Iphone. I sometimes feel old when I see friend I grew up with children heading out to college and driving and graduating high school while I am buying a little mini cap and gown to watch mine graduate Kindergarten. All those things my Mom struggled through as a Mom are now my struggles as well, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I think there are advantages to being an older Mom. I think about the views I had and the life I lived when I was in my 20's and I know that I would not have the children I have today if I would have raised them then. I am closer to God now than ever before and I understand what values and morals I want to instill in them. Jason and I have changed so much in the last decade, we understand each other, our love is so much deeper. We are more mellow, we are faster to love and slower to fight. We have worked out our differences and we are more one now than ever before which helps us be better parents. I appreciate the little moments more as an older Mom. I had to be patient and go through a lot to have them and I don't want to take a single moment for granted. God's timing is perfect and He knew when we would should be parents even before we did and I am thankful for His Grace and His mercy and His perfect planning. Mother's Day was a wonderful reminder of just how far He has brought us and how much He has blessed us and I wouldn't trade a single minute of it, even if I am one of the oldest Moms in the kindergarten PTO.
