www.sandraevertson.com
9 years ago
Posted by
Victoria
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Forgiveness... a simple word but a hard concept. I have had this word on my mind lately as I see a thousand Facebook posts with quotes about forgiving others, enemies, parents. I think about it as I listen to Christian radio and hear song after song about forgiveness. I pray about it as I read the Bible and see verse after verse about forgiving others as we have been forgiven. I have never really had a spirit of resentment, I don't hold a grudge or have anyone in my life that has really hurt me beyond what I could forgive, but I know people who have struggled with forgiveness...people close to me who maybe can't quite find it within to forgive completely. If I am being honest, I know that there are people I need to forgive. Maybe they haven't even hurt me directly, but have hurt someone close to me. I am not sure which is worse, having someone hurt me or having someone hurt someone I love. I think when the people closest to us are hurting or angry, we justify their hurt and resentment by making it our own. You know what I mean, maybe your children come home from school and tell you about a kid on the playground who was picking on them or called them a hurtful name and all of a sudden you are mad at that child too and that child's parents for raising such a little brat that would say hurtful things to your child, how dare they. Not only do they now need to forgive, but so do you, for the feelings you felt or the words you said. Forgiveness becomes harder when anger is justified, especially when you have someone sharing it with you. I know there are people I need to forgive. We all have people we need to forgive. Just because you know in your head what you should do doesn't mean it comes easy or that our spirit is willing to follow. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. What does forgiveness look like? What does it mean? How do you find it within?
I don't really have the answers to these questions so if you're expecting some enlightenment or words of wisdom here, you have probably come to the wrong place. I think forgiveness looks different for each person and in each circumstance. For some it may come in the form of a single moment of brokenness, a change of heart, a sudden willingness to repair a relationship. I think most of us picture a scene where the person who hurt us breaks down, apologizes, says I am sorry, repents to us, shows remorse and then we are able to break down that wall of anger and hurt and just let go and forgive, start over fresh with a clean slate. The Bible paints this kind of a model of forgiveness, as believers we are called to repentance. Christ came so we could be forgiven, but first there must be a moment of clarity, a moment where we see our sin for what it is and we become broken with our remorse, we have to apologize, confess, repent and then comes the forgiveness. I think this is why we get the idea that this is what it should look like, that forgive and forget is the way it should be because that is the way it works with God, but the reality is that we aren't God and there may not always be that moment. The person or people who hurt us may never come to a place of remorse, they may never utter those words we long to hear. They may not even know that it is important, they may not even know what exactly they did to hurt you, or they may not really be that sorry, then what do we do? What does forgiveness look like then? and how do we find it?
I think in these cases it is more of a process, it doesn't happen in an instant. I believe sometimes it comes slowly and with time, and it may never look like a dramatic, TV kind of moment where everyone is crying, hugging and restored. Forgiveness is really more about freeing up your heart and mind so that whoever hurt you doesn't hold a part of you hostage, it is about finding a spirit of peace within yourself. Could this just be kind of a letting go, an "I wish you well" attitude, without restoration? I used to not think so, but now I am not so sure. I think this kind of forgiveness can come in all kinds of forms. I am learning that maybe forgiving doesn't equal forgetting. Some hurts run deep, some things get inside and mess with our heads and our hearts to the point that we believe they are a part of us. Sometimes anger is easier to handle than hurt, sometimes building a wall of resentment is easier than breaking down, especially if the list of hurts is long. Maybe the person or people who hurt us didn't just say or do one thing, maybe it was a series of hurtful things, months, years, a lifetime of hurt. We may think that forgiving is giving the person an out, or that it shows weakness on our part, but I don't believe that is true. Forgiveness doesn't have to mean that everything is forgotten, the past is erased, or that we have to subject ourselves to more hurt. I think that it really can mean moving on. I think it can be as simple as an acknowledgement that no one is perfect, that we all make mistakes, and it doesn't have to define us. We don't have to allow ourselves to be drug back to the place where we felt belittled or inadequate. It is o.k. to forgive, move on, and not look back. Head games and heart games stay with us, especially when the person who hurt us is someone close to us, like a family member or a friend. The closer we are to someone, the deeper it goes and the more affect it can have on our lives, our minds, our hearts. It can help shape what we think and believe about ourselves. Words hurt and whoever said they don't lied! For example, hurtful abusive words said to a child never really leave, they will always have a part of them that remembers what was said and a part of them that will always believe it was true, even when they are grown. The same is true for adults, it is hard to remember the positive yet easy to remember the negative. The person who hurts us may have done a thousand nice things before the hurt and may spend a lifetime saying and doing nice things afterward but we will always remember the hurtful words and actions first. I don't think we ever really "outgrow" those kinds of feelings, but we can overcome them. We don't have to let our past hurt define who we are or influence who we become. This is where forgiveness becomes vital in our hearts and lives. Forgiveness doesn't wipe the slate clean, but it wipes our hearts clean so that we can make room for peace, love and God. God can make all things new. He can take those hurtful words, hurtful actions, abuse, neglect, lies, pain, whatever it is and He can replace it with His love, His peace, His comfort. All we have to do is find a path to forgiveness, a moment of release and then He can do the rest.
I don't have all the answers to forgiveness and I am still praying for those close to me who are struggling with the process. I pray that they can overcome and that I no longer justify their hurt and anger; however, I think that maybe instead of me waiting for the aha! moment or the storybook ending, I need to open my eyes to the fact that the process may have already started, that the letting go is the process, that maybe the moment of release has already happened, there is no looking back and God will work out the rest and that maybe I just need to join them on the path, let go and let God.
“Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.” ~ Corrie Ten Boom
I don't really have the answers to these questions so if you're expecting some enlightenment or words of wisdom here, you have probably come to the wrong place. I think forgiveness looks different for each person and in each circumstance. For some it may come in the form of a single moment of brokenness, a change of heart, a sudden willingness to repair a relationship. I think most of us picture a scene where the person who hurt us breaks down, apologizes, says I am sorry, repents to us, shows remorse and then we are able to break down that wall of anger and hurt and just let go and forgive, start over fresh with a clean slate. The Bible paints this kind of a model of forgiveness, as believers we are called to repentance. Christ came so we could be forgiven, but first there must be a moment of clarity, a moment where we see our sin for what it is and we become broken with our remorse, we have to apologize, confess, repent and then comes the forgiveness. I think this is why we get the idea that this is what it should look like, that forgive and forget is the way it should be because that is the way it works with God, but the reality is that we aren't God and there may not always be that moment. The person or people who hurt us may never come to a place of remorse, they may never utter those words we long to hear. They may not even know that it is important, they may not even know what exactly they did to hurt you, or they may not really be that sorry, then what do we do? What does forgiveness look like then? and how do we find it?
I think in these cases it is more of a process, it doesn't happen in an instant. I believe sometimes it comes slowly and with time, and it may never look like a dramatic, TV kind of moment where everyone is crying, hugging and restored. Forgiveness is really more about freeing up your heart and mind so that whoever hurt you doesn't hold a part of you hostage, it is about finding a spirit of peace within yourself. Could this just be kind of a letting go, an "I wish you well" attitude, without restoration? I used to not think so, but now I am not so sure. I think this kind of forgiveness can come in all kinds of forms. I am learning that maybe forgiving doesn't equal forgetting. Some hurts run deep, some things get inside and mess with our heads and our hearts to the point that we believe they are a part of us. Sometimes anger is easier to handle than hurt, sometimes building a wall of resentment is easier than breaking down, especially if the list of hurts is long. Maybe the person or people who hurt us didn't just say or do one thing, maybe it was a series of hurtful things, months, years, a lifetime of hurt. We may think that forgiving is giving the person an out, or that it shows weakness on our part, but I don't believe that is true. Forgiveness doesn't have to mean that everything is forgotten, the past is erased, or that we have to subject ourselves to more hurt. I think that it really can mean moving on. I think it can be as simple as an acknowledgement that no one is perfect, that we all make mistakes, and it doesn't have to define us. We don't have to allow ourselves to be drug back to the place where we felt belittled or inadequate. It is o.k. to forgive, move on, and not look back. Head games and heart games stay with us, especially when the person who hurt us is someone close to us, like a family member or a friend. The closer we are to someone, the deeper it goes and the more affect it can have on our lives, our minds, our hearts. It can help shape what we think and believe about ourselves. Words hurt and whoever said they don't lied! For example, hurtful abusive words said to a child never really leave, they will always have a part of them that remembers what was said and a part of them that will always believe it was true, even when they are grown. The same is true for adults, it is hard to remember the positive yet easy to remember the negative. The person who hurts us may have done a thousand nice things before the hurt and may spend a lifetime saying and doing nice things afterward but we will always remember the hurtful words and actions first. I don't think we ever really "outgrow" those kinds of feelings, but we can overcome them. We don't have to let our past hurt define who we are or influence who we become. This is where forgiveness becomes vital in our hearts and lives. Forgiveness doesn't wipe the slate clean, but it wipes our hearts clean so that we can make room for peace, love and God. God can make all things new. He can take those hurtful words, hurtful actions, abuse, neglect, lies, pain, whatever it is and He can replace it with His love, His peace, His comfort. All we have to do is find a path to forgiveness, a moment of release and then He can do the rest.
I don't have all the answers to forgiveness and I am still praying for those close to me who are struggling with the process. I pray that they can overcome and that I no longer justify their hurt and anger; however, I think that maybe instead of me waiting for the aha! moment or the storybook ending, I need to open my eyes to the fact that the process may have already started, that the letting go is the process, that maybe the moment of release has already happened, there is no looking back and God will work out the rest and that maybe I just need to join them on the path, let go and let God.
“Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.” ~ Corrie Ten Boom
Posted by
Victoria
comments (0)
Lydia laughed as she brought me the Barbie, "Look Mommy, she broke her arms." I looked down at the armless Barbie, but I wasn't laughing. "How did she break her arms?" Her response was hard to make out because of the giggling laughter " I couldn't get her shirt off so I pulled them too hard I think and they broke" I scolded her for being destructive and told her we would have to throw the Barbie away because there was no way to fix her arms. Lydia just shrugged it off and went back to playing with her other Barbie Dolls. A week later Emma brings me a drum she had gotten as a souvenir from Tweetsie. She had pulled the top and bottom off and un-threaded the string around it and tied it in knots, it was ruined. When I questioned her as to why she did it, her response was that it was old and she didn't really want it anymore anyway. When did my children decide it was o.k. to destroy and tear up their things? The sad part is that the Barbie and drum aren't the only items, this has been going on for a while now. Broken toys, missing pieces, stuff thrown around and stuffed in closets, torn papers, wasted papers and broken crayons. I looked around and realized that they just don't really care. They have so much stuff, they don't even care when something is torn, broken, missing. They have become so used to having, they aren't grateful for it anymore. Time for a change.
My children have too much stuff. They have never really wanted for anything. They have been spoiled, they have been lavished with stuff. In our defense, they do not get toys when we go to the store. We have never bought them anything just for no reason, they don't go toy shopping during the year. We don't bribe them with toys or award them with toys. In their defense, they have never thrown a fit for a toy or a tantrum, they never ask for things when we are shopping and have never fussed, complained or pouted when we say no. These are all good things, but then the holidays come around, the special vacation trips, birthdays... and we make up for it by buying, buying, and buying. They get lots of gifts at each holiday, from multiple family members. My parents, Jason's parents, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, and extended family. They get a windfall almost every holiday or special occasion. They have toys in every room of our home. We donate every year before Christmas, we make them give up some things, but for every box that goes, three more come in. It is overwhelming and ridiculous and it has created a sense of ungratefulness, it has become expected and no longer allows them to value what they own. If you have 12 Barbie Dolls, why do you care if one gets broken, if you have 10 baby dolls, why does it matter if you leave one in the rain, if you have a whole closet full of art supplies, why do you care if you leave all the paint out to dry up? There is always more, there is always a replacement. Things don't matter, you don't cherish what you have. I began to explain it to them, "If you only had 2 Barbie's would you think it was funny to break one?" I am guessing no. So it begins.... change.
We are cleaning out toys. My children are cutting their possessions in half and in some cases more. It has not been easy. Emma cried when I told her she had to get rid of over 25 stuffed animals that were piled up on her bed, she hugged and kissed each one as she packed it up. Lydia cried when I told her she could only keep 3 baby dolls and all the rest had to go. I felt bad watching them give up toys that had cost us a lot of money and games like Candyland, that they have outgrown, but that held sweet memories of when they were little. Emma and I both struggled as we sorted out her books. We love books! and it was hard to get rid of some of them. A book called Some Dog, that I remember holding her on my lap and reading to her, Little Golden books that she would sit and read to me cuddled up close, but it is time for them to go. She reads chapter books now, someone else can use those books, and toys, and dolls. Someone who maybe doesn't have anything.
Emma decided to donate her stuffed animals to the Shelter Home, for children who have had to leave abusive situations, sometimes with only the clothes on their back. Lydia wants to donate her books to the library for the children who can't afford books. We decided to give some dolls and toys to a little girl we know whose family just lost everything in a fire. I had given her a lot of clothes last week, but no toys. We decided toys would be good too. Luckily my girls have never really been brats over what they have, they have never expected things or had an attitude of entitlement, at least outwardly, but they have come to be ungrateful and unappreciative in their hearts. They have forgotten that someone took their time and effort to buy them these things because they are loved and because they care. They have forgotten that there are children the world over that would cherish and love just one doll, or one animal, or one crayon, who would never think about laughing if it broke or became lost.
So far Operation clean-up has been a success. My house is cleaner than it has been in 5 years. As their rooms get cleaner and more organized, my children are starting to enjoy parting with things, and everyone is happier. It is a difficult lesson to learn seeing as how this world and culture we live in tells us more is better, bigger is better and your success is measured by what you own. I am thankful that God has allowed this to be a time of teaching. Teaching our children about what it means to give and think about others needs ahead of our own. Teach them to appreciate what they have and to never take their blessings for granted. That our success comes in loving God, putting others before our selves and growing more like Christ. This is where our abundance should be, not in earthly possessions, in Christ!
“Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal.Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be." Matthew 6:19-21
My children have too much stuff. They have never really wanted for anything. They have been spoiled, they have been lavished with stuff. In our defense, they do not get toys when we go to the store. We have never bought them anything just for no reason, they don't go toy shopping during the year. We don't bribe them with toys or award them with toys. In their defense, they have never thrown a fit for a toy or a tantrum, they never ask for things when we are shopping and have never fussed, complained or pouted when we say no. These are all good things, but then the holidays come around, the special vacation trips, birthdays... and we make up for it by buying, buying, and buying. They get lots of gifts at each holiday, from multiple family members. My parents, Jason's parents, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, and extended family. They get a windfall almost every holiday or special occasion. They have toys in every room of our home. We donate every year before Christmas, we make them give up some things, but for every box that goes, three more come in. It is overwhelming and ridiculous and it has created a sense of ungratefulness, it has become expected and no longer allows them to value what they own. If you have 12 Barbie Dolls, why do you care if one gets broken, if you have 10 baby dolls, why does it matter if you leave one in the rain, if you have a whole closet full of art supplies, why do you care if you leave all the paint out to dry up? There is always more, there is always a replacement. Things don't matter, you don't cherish what you have. I began to explain it to them, "If you only had 2 Barbie's would you think it was funny to break one?" I am guessing no. So it begins.... change.
We are cleaning out toys. My children are cutting their possessions in half and in some cases more. It has not been easy. Emma cried when I told her she had to get rid of over 25 stuffed animals that were piled up on her bed, she hugged and kissed each one as she packed it up. Lydia cried when I told her she could only keep 3 baby dolls and all the rest had to go. I felt bad watching them give up toys that had cost us a lot of money and games like Candyland, that they have outgrown, but that held sweet memories of when they were little. Emma and I both struggled as we sorted out her books. We love books! and it was hard to get rid of some of them. A book called Some Dog, that I remember holding her on my lap and reading to her, Little Golden books that she would sit and read to me cuddled up close, but it is time for them to go. She reads chapter books now, someone else can use those books, and toys, and dolls. Someone who maybe doesn't have anything.
Emma decided to donate her stuffed animals to the Shelter Home, for children who have had to leave abusive situations, sometimes with only the clothes on their back. Lydia wants to donate her books to the library for the children who can't afford books. We decided to give some dolls and toys to a little girl we know whose family just lost everything in a fire. I had given her a lot of clothes last week, but no toys. We decided toys would be good too. Luckily my girls have never really been brats over what they have, they have never expected things or had an attitude of entitlement, at least outwardly, but they have come to be ungrateful and unappreciative in their hearts. They have forgotten that someone took their time and effort to buy them these things because they are loved and because they care. They have forgotten that there are children the world over that would cherish and love just one doll, or one animal, or one crayon, who would never think about laughing if it broke or became lost.
So far Operation clean-up has been a success. My house is cleaner than it has been in 5 years. As their rooms get cleaner and more organized, my children are starting to enjoy parting with things, and everyone is happier. It is a difficult lesson to learn seeing as how this world and culture we live in tells us more is better, bigger is better and your success is measured by what you own. I am thankful that God has allowed this to be a time of teaching. Teaching our children about what it means to give and think about others needs ahead of our own. Teach them to appreciate what they have and to never take their blessings for granted. That our success comes in loving God, putting others before our selves and growing more like Christ. This is where our abundance should be, not in earthly possessions, in Christ!
“Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal.Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be." Matthew 6:19-21
